5 Questions

Dearest CF,

1. Sitting in my living room with the shades drawn, camera poised to photograph the smallish miscreants who may or may not take up their post in front of my house after school lets out, I realize I’ve become Cheri Oteri’s Old Grumpy Porch Lady from SNL. Is this a bad development?

2. Why do some Earl Grey teas with lavender instead of bergamot taste like they’re made with meat—specifically, bacon?

3. Facebook is targeting me with ads for Life Transition coaching and Proactiv Acne solutions. Remember how the kids both “ma’am”-ed me AND asked me if I went to their school? I feel FB is doing the same thing—I’ve been simultaneously tagged as a “mature” woman—the scandalous divorcee, in fact—AND gawky pimple-faced Dawn Weiner. Am I supposed to grow up or down?

4. How can we stop the FAA from forcing Chesley B. Sullenberger III, hero extraordinaire of the Hudson River plane landing, into retirement in two years? This is a piece of good citizenship I’d be interested in actively pursuing.

5. I object to the insane Target ads featuring unflattering backstage clips of Christina Aguilera writhing unbecomingly in front of a green screen, then commenting that she loves her fans. The ads puzzle me: they have nothing to do with Target, they make CA look tawdry, tired and vapid, they strip away the Awesome from her dancing and demote it to Awkward, and they do it all in 15 seconds. My question to you is: why?

Best—and baffled—



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