Twilight Reviewed

Dear CF,

From the moment Bella and Edward meet and he gets his paper erection, it’s clear that Twilight is a glittery gift to cynics and romantics alike. Having watched it with a group of hardened souls, here’s what emerged:

  • The dad is the poor man’s Dennis Quaid.
  • Native Americans have specialized knowledge about all things supernatural.
  • And make inconveniently attractive boys who steal scenes from the pasty-faced smolderer.
  • And emerge from Thomas Kinkade paintings—complete with filtered God-rays of forest light—to try to rescue the heroine from herself.
  • They do not tuck in their dress shirts. They are free spirits, you see.
  • In a vampire vs. Native American baseball game, vampires would totally win.
  • Vampires are scrupulous about their attire.
  • Soulful seriousness is best expressed with a slightly open mouth.
  • When seeking to convey desire, cut to an image of nature red in tooth and claw, or unrestrained—say, a waterfall.
  • Failing that, colorize your film so that the grass is literally greener on the particular patch the heroes occupy (and approach the shot by first panning a hectare of suggestively flattened meadow).
  • The phrase “hang on, spidermonkey, it’s going to be a rough ride” is not hilarious. Or an innuendo. Stop it.
  • It’s crucial that the hero stare at the heroine’s crotch whenever he says the word “wet.”
  • When acting the part of an estranged father, your mantra should be “I’m terse.” Learn it. Live it. If you forget your line, just think, “terse.” And keep two cans of beer next to your double-barreled shotgun just in case someone missed the subtext.
  • Vegetarian vampire=virginal vampire. Evil meat-eating vampire=sexual deviant. (See porn-star moustaches, child-molester stereotypes.)
  • Does animal blood cause constipation?  Good acting shows and doesn’t tell. Mr. Patterson is clearly shilling for X-Lax.
  • Even a vampire family has a pixie-girl.
  • Vampire movies should abound in impromptu car commercials.
  • And montages. And montages of montages.
  • Montages of Amazon shopping and Googling do not make for high drama.
  • Same goes for shopping-for-prom-dress scenes. (In which opinion we are joined by Bella, who doesn’t even bother to look at her friends’ choices despite inviting herself along on their outing.)
  • Trucks are laughable.
  • Start the couple off in a forest, then a mountain. Then transport them to a mossy crevice. It’s metaphorical, see?
  • The heroine must not move while being romantically approached; otherwise she risks making the hero lose control, to her peril. In which case, she really has only herself to blame.
  • The prospect of living in Florida can make even a seasoned actress like Ms. Stewart hysterically overact.
  • Judging from Mr. Patterson’s accent, 1918 America was actually British.
  • When he shows her his room, and is dialogue-free, he’s projecting a) This is where I come to be INTENSE and b) I may not sleep, but I matriculate regularly. It’s good for the complexion.
  • Vampires forget to dye their eyebrows to match their hair. And sometimes forget to wash their hands after matriculating. RP’s coiffure is a touching homage to There’s Something About Mary.




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