Money Spirals

Tim Geithner’s explanation of the financial crisis and the plan—grimly called TARP II, as if the first one (which is flimsy-sounding enough) blew off when all the money got blasted away in a funnel-cloud—is less patronizing than those I’ve railed against in the past. And it’s discomfiting:

The Brits Explain the Subprime Mortgage Crisis

John Bird and John Fortune: incisive, weak-chinned and devastating:

U.S. Treasury Staves Off New Depression With Movie-Reel Parody that Evokes the Old One

Dear Carla Fran,

I stand corrected. Gawker alerted me today to the fact that the U.S. Treasury has decided to correct the mismanagement of our youth’s financial education. Hurrah!

Their new website,, parodies creepy hotel movies (Barton Fink or similar). The object is apparently to reach Room 850 (the Golden Number for Perfect Credit).

I visited. My computer froze during the fun old-timey black-and-white movie-reel countdown. It stopped on 3. I choose not to read too much into this.



Dear Millicent,

I was washing dishes today, and I very much wanted to make a connection between knowledge of our government/economy/crises, and your frustration with the stains in your mugs.  I think of your mugs because of the need to bring out the big gun–that most indigestible chemical of all to go in a drinking cup, but goddammit, a sanitary chemical indeed–bleach.  I don’t know how it bridges yet.  I’m not arguing for a Fight Club wipe-out of the credit system (well, in my ideal world, yes, but here, now, not my immediate agenda).  I think it is the sheer will involved of “stains! You will behave! I am getting to the bottom of you!” And, the rest of us slowly waking up to this about the mess above that we can pretty much not look at if we don’t watch the news, listen to the radio, or have over a hundred grand in one of the folded banks.

And I don’t know anything.  No money market class for me.  I have got nil sense of what is going on, and probably won’t until somebody makes a documentary about it in 5 years that Netflix recommends because I liked The Corporation.  And then I will be pissed about what is happening right now.

Here is the short list of what I know:

1.) The rich people are going to lose profits.  Not anything that actually affects what they already have, just the amount of extra goodies they get.  It’s like they are now going to go to the Oscars, find their swag bag full of Jessica Simpson shoes and say “What the shit? Where’s my diamond studded I-Phone? This swag bag is junkier than last year, no?”

2.) I don’t have money, or investments.  I actually have no assets.  This might be okay.  Except that next year food and power will probably be more expensive, and I will have to stop buying Jessica Simpson shoes at Dillard’s and ripping out the labels.

3.) This blows for my parents–middle class homeowners with their monies invested.  They are going to have less than they thought they had. They won’t be thinking, at all, about Jessica Simpson’s shoe line.

4.) Universal health care is a crazy dream that crazy people yap about, and that would be impossible to install in our fine country because it is just too complicated.  But, we can scrounge enough money to buy gigantaur businesses that probably already made tons and tons of money from shit healthcare plans, bad coding (insert any insurance lament here), and that doing so is easy, okay, frightening, but affordable. A good deal, really, and we should all calm down and understand how the government can take care of large gangly institutional crises (even though, it really doesn’t want to look like it takes care of things like this).  This reminds me a little of the mom that is really helpful and insightful when it comes to all the friend’s of her kid, but is a lunatic with her own kid.  Not sure this makes sense, but it is mostly me complaining about lack of universal healthcare.

On other fronts, I just tried to make my bathroom into a sauna (even had a cup of salt to try and scrub down the filthy skin I’m in) and, it just wasn’t the same.  Do you think it is possible to make a homemade sauna?  Should I heat up rocks in the oven, and then pour water over them in the tub? I want that shiny happy clean feeling every week or so.  I want to feel like my pores are getting through their day like Elaine from Seinfeld as she drives on Kramer’s adopted highway (he renovates it so that two lanes are now a wide one) and as she drives she thinks “how luxurious!”).  Or, maybe I should just get a loan and install a sauna?

Also, I will be away for the weekend–am off to Minnesota for the nuptials of a dear friend.  I hope there will be Viking Boats and Viking paraphanalia, but I am not holding my breath.  I have thoughts on marriage to share, but am thinking they will be compounded by this wedding, so I will wait to order them into words until I return.

I am watching Doris Day and Jack Lemmon in “It Happened to Jane” while I pack.  It involves a lot of lobsters, and the refrain “that stupid broad.”  So, it is pleasing.

To return with a full report! Keep your brain glinting, the reflection is mahvelous,




Dear Carla Fran,

With headlines everywhere today screaming about the meltdown of the economy, I felt my pulse quicken. “My God!” I thought. “My money!” Before remembering, like the Bluths (Season 3, Episode 6), that I have no money.

As I read one article after another, fear turned to rage over the meltdown of language used to describe and explain the economy.

On January 22, 2008, Brent Budowsky wrote the following for The Hill:

Our crisis today is real. The common sense of the matter is clear. The gathering storm is upon us. The sooner we act, the stronger the program, the greater the good and the lesser the pain. We should escalate the bipartisanship and increase the power of the program.

Sooner, stronger, greater, lesser—that’s a brilliant portrait in miniature of the American economy. But common sense? My thesis, for today, is that common sense plays absolutely no role in the economic discourse the U.S. has developed for its citizens. That honor goes to the Brothers Grimm.

To do Budowsky justice, this paragraph wraps up an article—found here—on issues troubling the economy and proposing some solutions. He even predicts Black Monday (we’ve all agreed that’s what Monday was, yes?). Says, too, that

… the bond insurance problems are very serious and there is a dangerous disconnect between Washington, Wall Street and Main Street.

Granted. But there’s a more worrisome disconnect. It’s the one that forces every newspaper in America to resort to the only economic marker the average American knows: the Great Depression. Who knew 1984 was here already? Americans talk economic Newspeak; the government has handily eliminated all words for the economy except “Depression,” “Black Monday,” “up,” “down” and maybe “bull” and “bear.”

Is the Great Depression really the only metaphor available? Is our economic vocabulary really that small?

I think the answer is an unqualified YES.

Take me. I’m in approximately, oh, 47th grade. I’ve taken a ridiculous, an absurd, some might say a self-indulgent and offensive number of classes. Calculus. Statistics. Organic Chemistry and Civics and Motivated Behaviors and Movement Training for Musicians. I’ve studied Botany and French and Happiness (yes, that’s right) and Chekhov and Art and A.P. U.S. History and Global Studies and International Relations and Theory of Knowledge and Anthropology. I may not remember much about most of them, but how is it possible, I ask you, that after twelve years in a comparatively decent public educational system and umpteen more of college, I have a five-year-old’s grip of our economic problems?

And this despite the fact that I’ve actually made the supreme sacrifice and read a book or two on the stock market, taken Morningstar courses to educate myself financially and researched my poor little acorn-husk investments?

I was doing a LexisNexis check to see how many times the words “worst since Great Depression” appeared in newsprint in the last ten years, but Donald Luskin, who shares my annoyance, beat me to it in his 9/14/08 article “Quit Doling Out That Bad-Economy Line.” According to him, the Post alone used the phrase nine times in the last two months. An adviser to John McCain, he talks cogently about the inaccuracy and foolhardiness of making such a comparison. I find myself nodding in agreement, feeling smugly bipartisan. We are indeed a “nation of exaggerators.”

Then he pinpoints the source of the epidemic.

“Ooh! Ooh! IknowIknowIknow!” I hear you say. “The criminal neglect of any sort of economic education for our children? Forcing newspapers to do the sex-ed equivalent of ‘Daddy plants a seed in Mommy?”‘”

“…and that’s how Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were born. And they grew and grew. Then a Bear called Stearns came to visit, so we sold him to a nice man named JP Morgan who promised to give him lots of honey. Fannie and Freddie got so fat eating Turkish Delight that they couldn’t leave their houses in the shire, so Gandalf gave them each a bag of gold so the White Witch wouldn’t evict them for defaulting on their debt. And the Lehman brothers fell down a well.”

But take comfort, little one. All is not lost! As the Christian Science Monitor tells us bright and early this Thursday morning, “Congress Eyes Solutions for Wall Street Woes.”

See? THEY ARE TAKING CARE OF IT. Congress is cool. Congress is fucking money. He won’t make any moves yet. But he’s eyeing Solutions. He’s like a big bear with claws and with fangs, and big fucking teeth, and Solutions is just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.

Sources say Solutions wrote down her number on a napkin and handed it to the bartender.

The End

Oh, intercourse the children!! (I hear you cry.) What about US? What the hell is going on? Sub-prime mortgage crises? Credit buyouts? What’s the Consumer Expectations Survey and why didn’t I get one? What’s a GNP Deflator? Does it come in pink? And what do I, an average American citizen, make of a sentence like this, not from a newspaper but from an actual business source like Marketwatch:

Also Wednesday, it was revealed that money market funds managed by Bank of New York Mellon Corp.’s Dreyfus and Columbia Management, the fund arm of Bank of America Corp., held commercial paper issued by Lehman Brothers Holdings and needed support from their parent companies to maintain their $1 a share net asset value.

An arm. Someone holding paper. Parents. So Dreyfus (also, confusingly, B. of A’s arm) manages money market funds which hold commercial paper from the Lehman Brothers (so are the funds, like, the fingers?) and needs help from his parents wiping his own assets.

That’s it! The epidemic of Great Depression references stems from the fact that we are all economically illiterate! And rather than learn, we reduce serious economic news to bad diaper jokes!

Right, Donald?

So the source of this unimaginative spate of yellow journalism, this total dependence on an eighty-year old boogie-man trope for disaster and devastation, this abuse by the press of a term—used perhaps legitimately by both Soros and Greenspan—that reduces, nay, depletes our nation’s history, is due to whom?

Here’s a hint: it starts with an “O.”